When you make a goal, do you ever discover that the person standing in your way the most is you? Making changes is hard, and sometimes we slip up, but do you find success always fleeting?
You may be self-sabotaging, or engaging in behaviors or impulses that thwart your successes and efforts toward health or life goals.
“These self-sabotaging behaviors are a manifestation of our subconscious thoughts or perceptions,” said Tim Heerts, LPC, LMFT, CEAP, a clinical behavioral specialist with Avera Employee Assistance Program. EAP programs, offered by some employers, support employees by providing short-term talk therapy for an employee’s personal issues. It could be a stepping stone to more long-term therapy.
Why Do We Self-Sabotage?
There could be several reasons and roots as to why self-sabotage emerges in your life:
- Your childhood. In childhood, you may have received covert or obvious messages that you weren’t good enough or smart enough. Relentless and repeated patterns of teasing and bullying in those formative years eroded your confidence.
- Adulthood dynamics. It can also happen in adulthood. Abusive relationships or domineering leadership can control your environment, throw veiled insults, and belittle your contributions — insinuating you weren’t competent enough.
- Perfectionism. Perfectionists also self-sabotage. You set the standard so high, or the window of success, to be too exact, that it’s almost probable that you’ll come up short. This is like all-or-nothing thinking. For example, if you decide to run 2 miles every day for a week, but something comes up on day three, you might not bother running the rest of the week. You either reach your goal at 100% or you might as well throw in the towel.
- Fear of success. What happens if you succeed? “A fear of success might imply that there’s something on the side of success you can’t handle,” said Heerts. Failure seems safer; muddling through the same tracks keeps future dreams and responsibilities at bay.
- Imposter syndrome. If you are succeeding, you might feel like a fraud. Thoughts like, “I know where I came from,” “I know how I used to struggle,” and “It’s only just a matter of time before I fail” can start as a whisper and grow louder and louder. Imposter syndrome causes you to doubt yourself, thinking these good changes aren’t the real you.
- Community group-think. Your family, friends or community can also hold you back. People think that because they come from a certain area, culture or size of community — or any other factors — they may believe anything else above what they know is out of reach. Even worse, if you’re hopeful to better yourself, you could encounter discouragement by those who say they care about you.
- Diagnoses. If you have depression, anxiety, ADHD or another diagnoses, sometimes success can come with difficulty. For example, ADHD is associated with impulsive behavior, depression inhibits hope, and anxiety evokes fear and what-ifs.
“Unfortunately, when we take the eyes off of our progress and good actions that lead to change, that’s when our minds are more susceptible to negative self-talk,” said Heerts.
A negative perspective can point our “steering wheel” toward the ditch, and we wreck our progress with old, familiar habits. There’s a certain comfort in failure.
How Do I Stop Sabotaging My Goals?
Healing starts in the mind; it’s worth it, but it will absolutely take time and purposeful effort. When you start to think “I can’t,” “I won’t,” “I always,” “I never,” STOP immediately.
You might even need to say “NO!” out loud and declare the opposite:
- “No, I can get up in the morning to exercise.”
- “No, I will learn how to play the guitar.”
- “No, I do not eat past satiety.”
- “No, I like to read before bed instead of scrolling.”
Turn your mind to who you want to be and how you want your life to look. Ruminating on negative habits only makes them more ingrained, and they’ll naturally manifest in your life.
“It comes down to being brave and taking a chance,” said Heerts, “taking a chance at approaching something in your life differently. Forging ahead and finding your path toward success is what makes your journey your own.”
Messing up might be part of the process. But when you’re actively transforming your mindset, you might find yourself bouncing back quicker, gaining confidence and becoming mentally stronger.
“You’ll no longer define yourself with defeats,” said Heerts, “You’ll discover just how strong and resilient you really are.” When you discover something amazing about yourself, or have successes, hold onto them and keep building.
Talk to a Behavioral Health Specialist
Check with your employer to see if you have access to an EAP program. Or, you can schedule an appointment with an Avera Behavioral Health specialist.
