As a mom, do you ever find yourself scrolling through social media and feeling like you are not doing enough? Or not fun enough? Or not spending enough time with your kids?
That is mom guilt at its finest.
“Mom guilt is a universal experience,” said Nancy Wise-Vander Lee, PhD, LP, psychologist at Avera Behavioral Health in Sioux Falls, SD.
Wise-Vander Lee, who is also a mom to a blended family of five grown children, said becoming a mom is a life-changing experience that brings about self-reflection.
Although self-reflection is natural and healthy, it can become unhealthy.
“If your self-reflection leads you to a place of shame, that’s not a good thing. Shame can translate into self-talk like, ‘I’m a bad mom.’ And it can lead to depression and anxiety and a low self-worth,” Wise-Vander Lee said.
All Moms Have Guilt
Mom guilt happens to all moms. But it may manifest for different reasons, said Wise-Vander Lee.
“Stay-at-home moms feel guilty because they wanted to be at home with their children, so they think, ‘I should feel happy because I’m so lucky that I can stay at home, but I’m miserable,’” Wise-Vander Lee explained.
Moms who stay home might put pressure on themselves for perfection because their kids are their main responsibility during the day. They also may have expectations that all home tasks will be done by them. Sometimes their partner assumes meals, cleaning and child care should all be accomplished easily. “If you’ve ever been a stay-at-home parent, you know that’s not exactly how it goes,” Wise-Vander Lee said.
Likewise, working moms may feel guilty about not being with their children 24/7, having to miss certain milestones, or enjoying their time away at their job.
What to Do When Self-Reflection Turns into Mom Guilt
1. Be curious versus critical
“When you look at your situation and allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to say, ‘hey, I feel tense right now, or I feel angry right now, or I feel like a failure right now,’ if you are able to verbalize your feelings, then your guilt and shame and depression can come to the surface and you can process it,’” Wise-Vander Lee said.
2. Aim for a B+
The perfect mom does not exist. In a society where “giving 110%” is something most aspire to, it can be difficult as a mom to give herself grace.
Wise-Vander Lee encourages moms to aim for the 80th percentile instead of perfection. “If you strive for perfection, it is unrealistic and it will disappoint and defeat you. You will lose your joy, because it is unrealistic,” Wise-Vander Lee said.
Imperfection also sets the expectation for your kids that mistakes are OK. “A mom that makes mistakes is the best kind of mom,” she said.
3. Avoid Isolation
Reach out and connect with other moms – in-person. Other moms are going through the same stuff, so they’ll understand what you’re going through.
4. Self-Care
Make time for yourself. Wise-Vander Lee knows this is easier said than done. But she said when moms who make time to take care of themselves have better moods and renewed energy to be fully present at home or at work.
To soothe guilt for being away from their children at work, working moms can end up overdoing, overworking and over scheduling. On the opposite end, moms at home with their kids are still working but don’t always get time away either.
Self-Care Tips for Stay-At-Home Moms:
- Plan breaks each week when someone else takes care of your children and you do something you enjoy independently or with friends.
- Design a structure to your week.
- Talk with your partner and create an agreement so that you do not feel cut off from income or independence.
Self-Care Tips for Working Moms:
- Create downtime for you and your family, even if this means cutting some activities.
- Expect less from yourself. “This is difficult, because working moms tend to over function when they are at home to make up for when they are away. Oftentimes, this results in exhausting themselves and the people around them,” Wise-Vander Lee said.
5. Delegate
When moms begin to feel overwhelmed and their mental load alone makes them want to take a nap, it’s time to ask for help. Even if you feel like you ask too often, Wise-Vander Lee said. Delegating gives permission for your partner, parents or others to help.
6. Embrace the Mess
Own your mistakes and your own messiness. Apologize and move on. This willingness to own up to your mistakes is another great lesson for your kids. “It teaches your kids that they don’t need to be perfect, and this decreases anxiety and depression,” she said.
7. Seek Professional Help
It’s always good to talk with a counselor if anxiety, depression and stress are chronic issues. Check with your insurance provider to understand your plan’s coverage. Some companies also offer free counseling sessions through Employee Assistance Programs (EAP).
