How to Cope With Grief During the Holidays

Grief can feel raw around Christmas or other holidays when their spot at the table seems especially vacant.

Cathy Frisko-Holsing, LCSW-PIP, a licensed clinical social worker with Avera@Home, said there is no magic moment when your sadness will go away. But you can have some moments when you feel good sprinkled into your season.

“Seek those moments out but be honest with yourself. No matter what, some sadness is likely,” she said.

Take Care of Yourself and Honor Your Grief

You might find yourself more irritable and tired from the stress of the holidays. This, with lack of motivation or depression can all be underlying symptoms of sadness. You may also have the task of doing things on your own your loved one may have helped with.

Don’t be afraid to take time for yourself. It might be a nap or meeting with a friend. Consider joining a support group or leaning on loved ones who can listen to how you’re feeling in these moments.

Plan Holiday Events Using the Three C’s of Handling Grief

Your loved ones will understand if this holiday looks a little different. Frisko-Holsing suggests the three C’s, a method recommended by grief experts nationwide:

• Choose: You can decide the details of your holiday season, and how you’ll remember those who are gone. You might need more time alone, or want to be with just a few relatives rather than the entire extended family. Carefully choosing how you grieve – and celebrate – is important.
• Communicate: Let family know you’re facing grief in a way that best fits you. That might mean attending a meal but not spending a full day. Or maybe you’ll see everyone at church but not take part in a gathering. If you share your choices with the people you love and trust, they are more likely to realize how they can help.
• Compromise: Discuss expectations to help loved ones realize how they can compromise during this difficult time. Have a small support system – perhaps a sibling, adult child or close friend – to help share your wishes. “They can back your efforts and help others understand,” Frisko-Holsing said. “You might find ways to meet halfway with gatherings or activities.”

Consider New Traditions That Incorporate Your Loved One

You might find yourself wanting to make new traditions or stick to old ones. What’s key is not ignoring your grief. Don’t be afraid to celebrate your loved one’s memory.

• Visit the gravesite to reminisce about past holidays.
• Hang an ornament on the tree in memory.
• Write a note each year telling your loved one of how you miss him or her and about how life is now.
• Talk about your loved one when you gather together with others.

Be Ready When People Give Advice on How to Grieve

You can expect to get plenty of advice – people are well-meaning and want to help – but having a “script” helps in the moment. This could be as simple as saying, “Thank you for those kind words, I’ll keep that in mind,” or “I’m not sure if I feel up to that now but thank you for asking.”

If you are a person hoping to provide support to someone who is grieving, be present and compassionate but remember you can’t solve things. Just listening can be enough.

“Grief is an overwhelming feeling and can make us feel like we’re losing control,” she said. “Taking control through simplifying a schedule or routine is one aspect during this time.”

Realize Your Grief Will Change

Grief seems to make sounds louder, displays of affection among others more bittersweet and can make us lose focus. Accept these facts with the reassurance that these new feelings are not permanent.

“Grieving is a very private experience, and it takes courage, patience and kindness – to others and yourself – to make it through,” she said. “Joy will return in time. The pain at this level of intensity will not permanently stay in your heart.”

When grief seems overwhelming, resources are available for extra support, which include grief support groups and individual counseling services. Check with your company benefits to see if you have an Employee Assistance Program, which provides free counseling sessions to employees. Learn more about Avera behavioral health services.