It’s Monday morning, and you already have a running list in your head:
- Add creamer to the grocery list.
- Did one of the kids need a slip signed?
- Remind partner to pick daughter up.
If this scenario sounds familiar, then you may be someone who carries a mental load.
“Mental load is cognitive labor,” explained Nancy Wise-Vander Lee, PhD, LP, Avera psychologist. “Cognitive labor is the mental part of our life that refers to tasks that are invisible or not tangible.”
Not everyone carries a mental load.
“It is a difference in temperament and a difference in how our brains work," explained Wise-Vander Lee. Some people have a running list and some do not have the increased capacity and skill to maintain a running list.
Studies show mental load is greater for women than men.
According to a 2019 study of 35 heterosexual couples found in the “American Sociological Review,” women carry a greater mental load when it comes to household duties than men.
And because of the unequal distribution of mental load, the study showed that mental load/cognitive labor can create conflict.
Cognitive labor includes anticipating needs, identifying options for filling them, making decisions and monitoring progress."Such work is taxing but often invisible to both cognitive laborers and their partners, so it is a frequent source of conflict for couples,” Wise-Vander Lee said.
Read more: Tips to Deal with Mom Guilt
How do you explain the mental load?
Conflict in relationships can stem from one partner not feeling acknowledged or valued by the other partner for the mental load they carry. Communication is key to helping your partner understand, Wise-Vander Lee said.
“If someone is starting to feel resentful and saying to themselves, ‘I am doing all the scheduling, planning and follow-ups,’ then it is important to communicate this to their partner,” Wise-Vander Lee said. “The partner may be blissfully unaware this is going on because many times, the other partner has not communicated this with them.”
How to have a positive conversation with your partner
The best time to visit with your partner about your feelings may not be the moment the feelings of resentment surface. Schedule a time you can talk without interruptions.
Wise-Vander Lee shares these tips for a positive conversation:
- Put your phones away so you can talk without distractions.
- Attempt to find common ground by opening the conversation with a “we” concept, followed by an “I” statement.
- Listen carefully. Clarify if you don’t understand what the person is trying to say. Don’t assume you understand what is going on inside another person.
- Don’t try to fix the problem. Let your partner know that you want to have this conversation because you want to share how you are feeling – not necessarily fix anything.
- Understanding perception of urgency and priorities is important.
Read more: Tips to communicate better in your relationship
How to Redistribute the Mental Load
If the partner carrying the bulk of the mental load would like to off-load some of their burden and not worry about whether or not tasks are getting done, the conversation may need to involve putting pen to paper and creating an actual list, Wise-Vander Lee said.
“Write out what the workload is. And then, in order for one partner to believe the work will get done by the other partner, the perception of urgency and priority need to be understood,” she said. “Are they shared by both partners? If you want to give up mental load and not feel like you have to check to make sure it gets done, there needs to be a clear understanding of what expectations are for each person.”
She added that a daily check-in could also be helpful. For example, if you share the value that the kids make it to all their activities and appointments on time, then it is fair to ask, “can we talk about how to track this and how to communicate with each other so that we are able to accomplish this task that we both consider important."
Feeling overwhelmed? It may be time to seek outside help.
If your mental load begins to feel too heavy, this may lead to you feeling overwhelmed. Feeling overwhelmed is an uncomfortable feeling because it is our body’s way of alerting us, explained Wise-Vander Lee.
Research indicates feeling of being overwhelmed may be triggered by anxiety, stress or high cortisol. High levels of cortisol can affect your health.
Wise-Vander Lee explained that if left unchecked, the feeling can impact our physical health causing:
Do I need professional help? Ask someone you trust.
If you think you are overwhelmed, but you are not sure if you need professional help, Wise-Vander Lee encouraged women to ask the opinion of a trusted friend or family member.
Difficulties are much easier if they are shared, Wise-Vander Lee said. If you get feedback from someone you trust that your behaviors have changed or you're not yourself, it may be time to talk to a professional.
If you’re unsure where to start, your primary care provider is a great person to talk with about best next steps.
- Some workplaces also offer free counseling sessions through Employee Assistance Programs (EAP). Check with your employer to see what benefits are available at your workplace.
- Talk with a professional. A behavioral health specialist can help when you feel chronically overwhelmed. Find a Therapist
