Humans are not meant to be isolated and alone.
But even if you’re married or in a committed relationship, talking with your partner can be hard.
“Communication is the gateway to connection,” explained Mallory Frantsen, LSW, outpatient therapist with Avera Behavioral Health. “This is the reason communication is so highly valued in a relationship. When we have effective communication, it opens a path to understanding our partner.”
So how can you get through communication struggles to better connect?
When Frantsen coaches clients on effective communication, she references research-based practices developed by renowned clinical psychologists and relationship researchers, John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman.
1. Look for Small Invitations to Connect
The first step is recognizing and responding to “bids for connection” or invitations to connect. It can be as simple as eye contact or a smile, and not a grand gesture.
“I think sometimes we are looking for grand gestures from our partners, and we miss sight of smaller opportunities to connect,” Frantsen said.
2. Recognize Bids for Connection Positively
How individuals respond to a partner’s bid for connection determines whether their communication is effective or not.
According to the research, there are three ways to respond:
- Turn toward
- Turn away
- Turn against
Here’s how it works:
You and your partner are sitting at the dinner table, and you say to your partner, “hey, did you see the story in the news about the new animal born at the zoo.”
When you say this, your partner is looking at their phone. Their response can go one of three ways:
Turn toward response: Looking up from the phone and saying, “yes, it was a pretty funny video.”
Turn away response: “mm-hmm.”
Turn against response: “I’m reading something on my phone.”
The Gottmans’ research shows recognizing bids of connection from your partner and how you respond to them are the biggest predictors of happiness and relationship stability.
3. Ask for What You Need Without a Defensive Reaction
If you are feeling disconnected, underappreciated or overwhelmed in your relationship, your partner may not understand your needs.
You can reset your relationship by effectively communicating what you need.
Have you tried this tactic only to find yourself in the middle of an argument?
Here’s how to effectively communicate what you need, without putting your partner on the defense.
- Use I statements.
- Describe yourself.
- Describe the situation.
- Remove absolutes like always, never or all the time.
- State your need.
How it works:
- “I have been feeling overwhelmed when it comes to meal planning and grocery shopping. Could we plan next week’s meal plan together?”
4. Be Clear if You Want Support or a Solution
Sometimes we just need to vent. Conveying whether or not you need support or a solution is another aspect to effective communication.
“It is helpful to set expectations,” Frantsen said. “You can say something like, “I am sharing this right now because I just want your support, but I do not need a solution from you.”
As the partner who is listening, ask, “Are you wanting support or a solution?” if you do not understand what your partner is seeking.
5. Keep Practicing – It’s Worth the Effort
Because effective communication may not be something that comes naturally, it takes practice.
“But it is worth the effort,” Frantsen said. “Think back to a time when you communicated with your partner and you felt validated. This probably made you feel connected and good about your partner and your relationship.”
Get Relationship Help
Consider talking to a behavioral health specialist for added guidance. These sessions are often covered by health insurance but check your plan for specific coverage. Some workplaces also offer free counseling sessions through an Employee Assistance Program (EAP).
