As our kids grow older, changes are not only inevitable but they’re also expected.
When kids are younger, we connect with them on the floor, playing cars and trucks, having pretend tea parties or even sitting together reading a book. As your child grows, you can feel like you’re no longer needed. They became more self-sufficient; their interests move to other things.
Children ages 9–12 are considered full-fledged tweens. They’re between the stages of childhood and adolescence, and are in the midst of continual physical, psychological and emotional changes. During this time, their focus shifts from parents to friends. While the need for independence and space is normal, it also can feel distressing and confusing for you; they’re no longer your little boy or girl, yet they still need you.
Opportunities to connect with your tween are more about “doing” and “being” available. Here are a few tips to navigate the tween years.
Friends, School and Moods
As tweens explore the larger world, pressures such as “friend drama” or more responsibility other pressures will also arise. They may come to you for help. Be a role model, and perhaps share a time when you faced adversity yourself. You can also help them to see past the current problem. Your tween may be traveling through new territory with no map. Be available to just listen; your family values can go a long way to helping your tween navigate these tricky times.
Tweens might be happy one minute, crabby the next, yet rather than reflecting these swings, look for a way to connect. Your supportive presence is what they need. If they don’t want to talk to
/a parent, you can suggest they call an aunt, uncle, grandparent or close family friend. “This too shall pass” is helpful to remember, as tweens are still growing emotionally and need support. A little grace goes a long way.
Navigate transition times such as leaving the house, coming home or heading to bed. Just when you thought bedtime tuck-ins were a thing of the past, try offering them. Your tween might use it as a time to talk about their day before they fall asleep. Eating breakfast together or even leaving a note in their backpack can go a long way. School drop-off times are another chance to say, “I love you, have a good day (even if they want you to drop them blocks away from school).
Help Tweens with Schedules and Include Playful Times
Some tweens are overscheduled, while others might no longer be interested in the activities that once filled their days. Try to strike a balance between allowing your tween to branch out while remaining rooted in family. Allow them some privacy, especially with friends, but still make time for traditional activities with mom, dad and siblings. Seek to understand why they are resisting something they previously enjoyed. Discover opportunities to try something new that is of interest to your tween.
If you have a playful attitude, including things like pillow fights and silly songs to sing, it can make life lighter and remove some stress; those steps build connection. Where words or lectures get shut out, a playful response could reach your tween. Playfulness helps them remember that life is good, and we are on their side. Having a playful attitude helps us all be creative. Ideas are everywhere – see if you can find some that fit your family.
Questions to Ask if Connections Are a Struggle
Knowing yourself goes a long way toward knowing your family. What time of day do I have the most energy? My kids figured out that after 9 p.m., asking Mom for something wasn’t a great idea. “She is crabby,” they would say. Although I am a morning person, one of my daughters is not. I learned not to talk to her as soon as she woke up, and giving her time and space made our conversations more pleasant later in the morning.
How do my kids feel most seen, heard or loved? Some “gifts” we can share are:
- Attention
- Physical touch
- Acts of service
- Our words
Would your child truly appreciate some one-on-one full attention time with you? Would a note saying “I am proud of you for working so hard on your science project” be better? Perhaps helping them with their chore of putting away the clean dishes would do more. These times might lead to a good talk; let them take the lead.
One way to be more present with kids is to ask what they most want to do with you. Then do it, without distraction, to the best of your ability. Adults must learn to say “no” as well. We need not join every committee, we can put down the phone and we can step away from the couch and television. You might try to encourage an activity you can do together, one that you know they truly enjoy.
Being flexible is a good way to skip power struggles with tweens. Refrain from lecturing, rationalizing and reasoning. Aim to stay in control and limit your words. You can ask open-ended questions, solve problems together or inject some humor. Try to connect with your tween right where they are, seek to understand their questions or opinions. Consider both perspectives: yours and theirs.
Opportunities to connect with your tween present themselves in a variety of ways. It is less about “doing” and more about “being.” Remember that everyday interactions and time spent together can build strong relationships.
Get more tips from our family life specialists.
By Twila Perkinson, BS, CCLS, a Family Life Educator with Avera McKennan Hospital & University Health Center.
