Talking with children about an adult family member who has a serious illness can be a hard conversation – and one you never expected to have.
The child may overhear something, or sense something is wrong. In any case, open and honest communication is important.
Planning the Conversation
- When: If possible take a few days to work through your own emotions and think about what you want to say to your children. Be mindful not to have the conversation too late, in case they overhear details from someone else.
- Who: A parent should share the information, be flexible and empathic with children. When family members explain the diagnosis, it can help children feel included. Children may process information in small portions at a time and may need information repeated, especially younger children.
- Where: Find a comfortable place with no distractions. Sit down, keep eye contact and tell them you have something difficult to share.
- How: Use the name of the disease/illness. Many children will hear it somewhere or see it written down. Keep children informed about the current medical status as you know it. Use simple, honest explanations and do not over complicate.
- Follow up: Gently ask what they already know and understand; focus on listening to them. If your child asks a question and you don’t know the answer, you can say that you don’t know right now and that you will let them know when you have more information. These conversations are ongoing and ever evolving.
Tips for Helping Children Cope
- Help children to know that it is OK to express their feelings. Allow yourself to express your emotions in front of your children; it supports that it is alright to feel different ways. It can be difficult to know what our children are feeling, especially the youngest ones who are not very verbal. Watch for changes and reassure with love.
- If possible, seek alternative support people for children to talk to. They may be afraid to tell the person with the illness some things for fear it may upset them. Create a safe environment for everyone to express concerns and feelings.
- End the conversation with connection. Do something fun, familiar and comforting together. As always show your children a lot of love even during this difficult time.
- Keep routines as normal as possible. This predictability allows for a sense of security during an uncertain time. Explain any necessary changes in routines.
- Reassure children that they will be cared for no matter what happens. Talk about who is available to help take care of them and make a safety plan in case the ill person needs to go to the hospital unexpectedly.
- Be prepared to discuss difficult topics such as death. It is normal for children to ask about whether someone might die from a serious illness. You can focus on what you believe for example: “I am doing everything I can to help my body get better.” You can be honest and be hopeful. With a cancer diagnosis you might say, “Some people do die from cancer, but most people get better.” “I don’t think I will die. If anything changes I will let you know.” Worry and fear are common – the key is honesty. Offer your love, understanding and support whenever the child needs it.
- If you are unsure the child understands what you have talked about, ASK. If they cannot repeat the general idea of what was said, try using different words/phrases to get the point across. You may want to explain changes related to energy level and mood, or things that may change over time such as hair loss or any physical changes.
Each family will have their own communication style. Some people may need smaller amounts of information repeated over time. New information takes longer to process when someone doesn’t have experience dealing with it, especially young children.
Seek additional help if needed to support you and your family. Learn more about children’s health services at Avera.
By Twila Perkinson, Child Life Specialist at Avera
