“What did you say?”
That’s usually how it starts for a stunned grownup who hears a child utter a “bad” word. They might wonder if it’s just a phase, or something more significant.
Remember the facts:
- Children ages 4 and older love to experiment with words
- Bathroom language such as poop or butt are usually used first
- Older children may use other bad words they hear
- They often do it to seem older
Curiosity motivates children to try new things. As adults, we need to recognize children will also try whatever they hear. It’s normal for kids to use words without knowing what they mean.
Sometimes these unwanted words are harmless or funny; other times they make us cringe in embarrassment or bring anger. Your response? Look past the word.
Manage Your Reaction When Kids Are Swearing
Pause before you respond and try thinking about why it bothers you. What feelings come up when you hear this word or phrase? Should you ignore it? Can you?
You might also decide if teaching this word is worth the battle. Most kids have new words that come and go. It looks different at each stage of development:
- Younger kids lack judgement about when to use or avoid certain words.
- Evaluate the situation; was it an accident?
- Did your child realize the slip and try to fix it?
If kids self-correct, offer a quick smile and recognition. At times our reaction is worse than the offending language. We might want to laugh, but often it’s better to address the language directly.
Stay calm. Say something like, “That’s a word we do not use here.” Be consistent with your response, don’t let them catch you off guard.
Are Kids Swearing for Connection, Attention or Something Else?
When kids use bathroom humor, it’s not the same as when they say hurtful things. Frustrated, upset kids, like upset adults, tend to be meaner. One response to potty talk is to send the child alone into the bathroom to use those words. Doing so removes the audience. The shock value of such words disappears.
Big feelings require big words and ways of expression. Children need to know that it’s fine to describe how they feel even when those feelings are unpleasant. Help children express their emotions such as:
- “We don’t use words that hurt feelings.”
- “I understand you’re mad, but the word you said isn’t OK.”
- “If you are mad, you can say ‘Rats!’” (or offer other substitutes)
Come up with a list of words to use when you’re upset, like “Oooba dooba!” or “Oh, monkey’s feet!” Young preschool age children love silly language, so if you offer funny, non-vulgar choices, they’ll follow your lead.
Model Good Language and Learn to Handle Bad Words
Kids repeat phrases even after you have told them to stop – to the point of frustration.
That’s because imitation is a big part of development. Most times kids just want to try out words they hear. Our children watch, learn and imitate us. Are you a good role model when it comes to expressing frustration, anger or even excitement?
If you regret something you said, it’s OK to acknowledge it:
- Apologize if you slip up.
- Offer a better word choice.
- Try to eliminate such language and behavior.
- Remember that your language becomes your children’s language.
When you’re with your kids and hear others use foul language, talk about it. Use this opportunity to discuss how others use words:
- You can talk about when it is and is not appropriate.
- You may wish to talk about family values and how certain words/phrases do not match up.
- “That word is disrespectful,” is a good starting point.
Ask if they know what that word means, yet let children know some words hurt others. Children need to know of society in which they live. They should know that yes, words CAN hurt.
Many of the issues with bad language appear and disappear as a child develops. By not overreacting, we can set firm boundaries, be consistent and teach.
Words can offer powerful magic. Children need to know how best to use them.
Twila Perkinson is a Family Life Educator & Certified Child Life Specialist with the Children’s Hospital at Avera McKennan Hospital & University Health Center.
